How to Have Sex at a Music Festival

A couple at NYC Downlow at Glastonbury

Persons at NYC Downlow at Glastonbury. Photograph: Chris Bethell

It feels absolutely proper that Coachella is the 1st new music pageant to thoroughly come again in a write-up-COVID earth. From across the pond, Coachella has normally seemed like a thoroughly sanitised version of a competition: No person sets tents on fire. No person has fallen into a portaloo whole of poo to get their cellphone. No one has camping intercourse with a muddy stranger to the tune of other people today pissing against the side of their tent. (People in america, I’m inclined to be proved wrong – do your worst, Coachella weekend 2.) 

For most people in the British isles, shagging at a competition and getting intercourse in a tent is a rite of passage. In my instance however, the most noteworthy occurrence of pageant intercourse in my lifestyle did not even require myself. Image this: Your tent collapses for the duration of a substantial comedown and torrential downpour on the past day of a fezzie in Yorkshire. You climb into the closest tent – your mate’s two-guy pink pop-up – to go back again to slumber. You wake up and your mate is absent, but yet another mate is there using a person whose virginity she is having. 

Realizing that this is a extremely crucial time in the lad’s existence, you come to a decision to pretend to keep asleep and let them get on with it. On completion, your good friend (the virginity taker) tells her new beau to push you off the air mattress simply because you are asleep and won’t really feel it. You scream out “NO”. All people in the tent screams. This is how not to have sex at a competition.

Which takes place to be the opposite of the motive I’m producing this record, so let’s soar appropriate into the most effective techniques to have sexual intercourse at a competition and additional importantly, how to have excellent sexual intercourse at a competition.

Get it carried out ASAP

“The previously on in the festival you can do the deed, the much better it is for everybody included,” Dom, a 28-12 months-outdated major shagger who shed her v plates at Examining fest, encourages. “You’re nonetheless relatively clean up, your tent has not been destroyed with mud and spilled booze and you continue to have the strength to set in a excellent total of exertion.”

These intelligent words and phrases could not be more true. Why have sex with a entire body drenched in 3rd day festival sweat when you could be knee-deep in someone’s fresh new, just-arrived-at-the-competition bits instead? After one more pal confides she contracted cystitis from sex at Glastonbury and experienced to shell out most of it in a portaloo, the crucial to have sexual intercourse early on comes with an extra overall health bonus of not feeling like you are pissing razorblades for the weekend. You can get a UTI from microbes entering your urethra and to set it only, rubbing your unwashed privates jointly is a likely one particular-cease shop for filling your urinary tract with poisonous microbes.

Carry your own tent

If an individual else has truthful legal rights to stroll into your tent at any moment – just in time to see you mounting a different pageant goer – it is most likely not the finest place to bang. Out of all the places at a pageant you could shag in, the tent is the only really viable alternative. Consider it from me and my very certain knowledge in this, acquiring eaten out in a portaloo is essentially fucking disgusting, no issue how numerous capsules you have taken.

By bringing your have tent, you not only make sure a little bit of privateness when toddler wiping your bits and attempting to get a pair of hrs rest, you also have a individual area in which to bed a lover. Additional bits of tips from campers I reached out to involve “don’t use a torch, due to the fact all people will see what you are doing” and “avoid the air mattress, it ruins the rhythm – or worse, it could explode on you”. As great as any shag is, likely the rest of the pageant with out an air bed just is not value it.

Don’t do oral

If you individually desire the taste of sweaty smelly cock to rather clean cock, then dive right in child. But for typical cleanliness sake, this a single couldn’t be far more significant. As your mother would say: Place it down, you don’t know where it is been. 

Do it when a person fantastic is playing

Throughout investigate for this feature, a mate explained to me he missed Dolly Parton at Glastonbury in buy to get a great banging session in. This amount of dedication to shagging tends to make it well worth the affront to Dolly – whilst seemingly, the queues to see her have been abominable – and is the form of motivation we all require to exhibit in the direction of orgasming in a tent. 

By sacrificing viewing an individual course (or perhaps, someone you imagine is overrated who will attract crowds), you can nearly ensure the camp web page will be a lot emptier than standard and give you sufficient privacy to do the deed. You may perhaps also get the additional reward of getting an completely course soundtrack to accompany your shag. If you time it just appropriate, you could even align the seems of the crowd cheering with your significant O. 

Don’t be a dick

Although currently being at a festival can convert you into a feral version of by yourself who pisses in a cup to not get rid of your place in the group, it does not indicate all morals ought to quickly be dropped. When pulling at a fezzie and when shagging at a fezzie, the same policies implement as in the genuine planet. If your adore buddy is as well drunk or substantial to consent properly – which they are more than most likely likely to be at 3AM in the drum and bass tent – don’t get with them. Have a competition wank instead (this is a total different post).

Put together in progress

Just like bringing your individual tent, there are other precautionary measures you can acquire just in situation you get a chance to be a major shagger. The primary 1 becoming to provide wipes. Not just one pack. More wipes than any individual could perhaps have to have. Vacant a shelf at Residence Bargains and deliver them all with you. 

Further necessities involve condoms, hand sanitiser, a pillow, breath spray, tissues – whatsoever aids to incorporate to the pretence that you are owning usual sex and not grim competition campsite sexual intercourse. 

For a ton of us – irrespective of whether courting anyone or not – shagging at a fez is an inevitability in our lives. Not only that, but it’s a enjoyable addition to a extensive weekend solely committed to satisfaction. Whilst it could make you feel like absolute filth when detailing the function to your pals, an added pretty layer to the festivities tends to make for a gain in anybody’s book. Now you’re completely prepared, go forth and bonk like you don’t have to go again to a lifetime of duties and Slack messages on Tuesday early morning.

@GlNATONIC